Over It

I have determined that I blog better when I am bitchy. Of course, if this is the case, I should be pumping out fresh posts every other hour instead of once each month. I've started writing things several times over the past few weeks, but I can't seem to put the things that are in my head into words. I am overwhelmed, overworked, and over-exhausted. And furthermore, I'm over all of it.

I have begun to hate people. Not just the deep loathing that I felt before. I really, truly, genuinely simply do not like them at all. I was always the type of person who wanted to see the good in people, but I have determined that for a large majority of the human population, the "good" is decidedly not there. It is rather unfortunate. I am far past the days of bending over backward for people, hoping that they will eventually do the same in return for me. People suck. In my personal life and professional life, I am all about saying "good riddance" to the ones who need to get the eff out of my space.

I spent the last month thinking about me, me, me. You know what? It's kind of refreshing. I have suddenly been thrown into this situation where I have to be incredibly self-absorbed. I have been forced to make minor and major changes in my daily life that would have seemed impossible before. My entire diet has changed. I can't eat anything out of the ordinary without checking a list, and if I make the wrong choice and miss an ingredient, I find myself miserable for days. I had to give up pilates because focusing on my abdominal area is off limits. If it weren't for running, I would have a complete meltdown.

Of course, finding time for that lately has been pretty much impossible. I have had one full day off since I returned from my leave of absence, the one that was so short that it didn't even qualify as a leave. I really thought that once I moved closer to work, I would have a different sort of life. I thought that I would have time for friends, for hobbies, a life. Instead, it has been constant chaos. There is not enough Carrie to go around. Carrie is tired.

I'm scheduled to take a vacation at the end of the month to go see my family. Is it wrong that I want to take a vacation alone, somewhere far far away? I want to just vanish for a few days, a week, maybe longer, and not tell anyone where I am going. Part of me doesn't even think that anyone would notice. Part of me doesn't care. I have toyed with the idea of moving somewhere else. What do I have to keep me here? I want something new. I thought that moving here would help, but I think that I got it all wrong.

I'm getting good at getting everything wrong. Sigh.