My Tornado

Do you ever get to that point where you wonder if you are spiraling downward, and you are the only person who doesn't realize it yet? I'm starting to think I'm there. I have lost count of the people who have asked me if I'm "okay" lately, and I'm not really sure how to answer when they do. Not that I think I'm losing it or anything of that nature, but I guess I have come to the point where I'm just not that good at covering up the crazy.

The past few weeks have been an insane blur of craziness. Most of it has been work related, and in between training a new assistant and working a gazillion hours each week, I have somehow managed to function outside of the mall as well. I just looked at the calendar and realized that we are almost halfway through October. Where in the hell did September go? Time is flying, and it's making me panic a little.

This is going to be the first week out of six that I have had two days off. Two entire days to do whatever I want. Well, not really. Tomorrow (day off #2) will be spent at the library, attempting to pick a topic for the research paper that I will be writing while I'm on vacation at the end of the month. I can think of many other things that I would rather be doing, but this is what I get for waiting until I'm in my 30s to earn a college degree. Getting through class takes an incredible amount of time and energy, and I regrettably think that I can only devote the leftovers to school. The majority of it goes into work, Kylie, eating carrot sticks, and watching "Modern Family." I gave up free time about six months ago.

I also gave up dating. Completely and entirely. Have I said that before? Yeah, probably. This time, I mean it. I'm just bored with the entire process. I don't have time to take on someone else's issues and madness; I have enough of my own. I am giving myself permission to take a break. No more weird online dating, no more caring what I look like when I run errands, no more wondering if Mr. Right has already passed me by. I simply do not care. My friends are getting divorced left and right, and it has made me sad. The guys that I meet have absolutely no interest in my life, and I always end up disappointed. Why put myself through that again? The investment of time and energy that goes into meeting someone, and trying to remember the names of his friends and family and what he does for a living, and then attempting to work him into my overcrowded schedule...grief. I have a headache just thinking about it.

I'm going to stick with the plan of being completely self-absorbed. I kind of like that. After all, I am my own favorite person, with the exception of Kylie, of course. I don't need to worry about impressing anyone, of wondering if I am good enough for someone else. Screw that. I've had enough of second guessing myself.

I guess this is when I start my cat collection, right?