Letdown

I kinda feel like venting. This seems like a safe place to do so, since exactly four people read my blog on a regular basis (not counting the people who get here by Google searching "naked Swedish men").

I'm a little bit pissed off, and a little bit bitter, and a little bit depressed. I don't feel great. I'm disappointed that this surgery did not have the expected results. I expected to feel elation, relief, a returned sense of normalcy right about now. I expected that I would know that whatever was wrong with me was taken care of, at least for the time being, and that I would be able to return to my former habits. I miss pilates. I miss running. I miss feeling like me.

Granted, my issue is mild compared to those of others. I am not pretending that I am a poor, pitiful creature who everyone should feel sorry for. But I reserve the right to be bummed. I am frustrated. I just dropped almost a grand to cover the insurance deductibles for this surgery, and it was basically for nothing. I could have taken a really nice, much deserved vacation with $1000. My stitches hurt. My side hurts. I am tired of wearing yoga pants. I can't sleep, despite the fact that I have taken painkillers that should have knocked me out an hour ago.

I feel really alone.

I am bored with watching chick flicks and DVR'd episodes of Dateline. I don't want to read any more textbooks or novels. Tomorrow, I'm planning to trek to Ikea and shuffle around the aisles just to kill time. There is no fast movement on my end for the moment; all I can manage is a steady limp. Perhaps I could beg someone to push me around on one of Ikea's blue and yellow shopping carts, not necessarily because I need it, but because it would be the most excitement that I've had in days.

The boyfriend is off water skiing in South Carolina with his BFF and the BFF's bitch girlfriend. (The BFF un-friended me on Facebook, by the way, because the bitch girlfriend didn't like the fact that we were friends...I'm not really sure how to express how stupid I think that such a decision was.) Am I a little aggravated that Jeff is out of town? You betcha. Do I wish that he were here instead of there? Absolutely. I didn't even talk to him today other than some random text messaging, mostly him telling me what they were doing next (dinner! a boat ride! tubing!). I'm not sure that I particularly cared. And it pissed me off.

I think everything is pissing me off right now.

Tomorrow will be one of those days where my cell phone stays off, because if it is off I can pretend that it doesn't exist. And maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll find a pretty new mirror or bookshelf or piece of artwork that I can drag home from Ikea, and it will make me happy enough to forget that I'm miserable. At least for the moment.