Freefalling

Here's what I know...

Yesterday at this time, I was content with things. I had a boyfriend who liked me. I was happy.

It's funny how quickly things change.

This morning, the boyfriend dumped me. There wasn't really a good reason for it. I think something happened. Maybe I'm paranoid, but there is no explanation for things to have been fine last night at 11pm when we were making plans to see each other today, and then for me to be suddenly single by 9am this morning. I'm not stupid.

I drove all the way to his house (30 minutes) only to know within 30 seconds of getting out of my car in his driveway that things were not going to work out in my favor. Ugh. I got the, "I can't give you what you want" speech. I hate that speech. This isn't the first time I have heard it. I don't even know what I want anymore; how the hell do all of these guys think they've figured it out? As I was watching him break my heart, my mind was racing, desperately trying to think of the right words to make him change his mind. I don't remember the drive home. I lost track of the exits. I'm not really sure how I ended up at my house.

I've got to learn to trust my gut. I knew something was going on. We went from spending every free second that we had together to barely seeing one another. He kept blaming it on work, but I know better. This is not my first rodeo. Girlfriend has been dumped before. I reminded him today that he was the first one to use the term "girlfriend" with me. He was the first one that said we were exclusive. I didn't volunteer any of those things. Yet, suddenly I'm the one who wants more than what he's willing to give me? That's pretty effed up.

My world is swirling around me. Nothing is as it should be. Not just the boyfriend, but work is weird. I'm still not sure what's wrong with me as far as my health. I want to drive to somewhere far, far away, but I can't seem to escape myself.

I feel the need to jump off from something, but there is no safety net. I'm freefalling, and I hate it.