In Limbo

"I don't exist well in limbo," -Jane, Drop Dead Diva

The clock is ticking, and Kylie and I make our big move in three weeks. I have slowly begun to check things off my "to do" list in order to keep things as organized and painless as possible. I have completed paperwork to transfer Kylie to her new school and registered her for summer camp. My (current) living room is cluttered with boxes that are just waiting to be stuffed with all of our belongings. We are both eager to pack everything up, but I can't stand to live among complete chaos. I am using this time to go through things and eliminate what I can live without.

I am also using this opportunity to purge myself from leftover emotional baggage. This place that I'm leaving has a lot of memories for me. I have lived here for almost four years, and (in a sense) I have done a lot of growing up here. When I moved here, it was with a husband who already had one foot out the door. This townhouse has seen me through a nasty divorce, a custody battle, and several relationships that left me feeling like I was better off single. I am looking at this move as the chance to leave it all behind. I don't want to spend my time wishing to be a part of someone's life who doesn't feel the same for me. Maybe it isn't meant for me to have a significant other in this lifetime. As hard as it is to admit, I would rather be alone than be treated like crap. I've never had a relationship that felt otherwise.

I took this weekend off in hopes of prepping for my big move. In fact, I have spent the past two days eating ice cream directly out of the container, immersing myself in the DVDs of Drop Dead Diva Season Two. I just needed some time away from people and responsibility. Last week, I went back to my old mall in Greensboro to help out a store manager who was on vacation. This was the first time that I have returned there since I left my former company. It was really strange to be back. The place reminded me of so many things that I would have rather forgotten. I was surprised, though, at how many people remembered me there. The teller at the bank, my former UPS guy, the barista at Starbucks. I guess I'm not as unforgettable as I imagined. At the same time, it reminded me that I am in a better place now. I don't want to go back to my unhappiness.

Ironically, my horoscope today says, "You've been doing a lot of cleaning up and clearing out. Since this project has been going on for several years now, you must be doing a particularly thorough job. Finally, it seems as if you're getting things straight with your karma. Today will be a big day, Capricorn. You may be able to leave part of your childhood behind, as at last you understand that it's ancient history." Pretty fitting, huh?

Three weeks to go. Let the countdown begin.