I'm Shallow (and So are You!)

I'm not quite sure why I continue to be an active participant in the world of online dating. While there are undoubtedly lots of great guys out there, they cease to exist on the site that I'm on. I have met some good guys, I admit. But when the vast majority is considered, I am way the hell out of their leagues. Waaaaaaaay out.

While I find it pretty easy to admit that I'm as shallow as a plastic kiddie pool, be assured that I do feel a little bit guilty when I get an email from someone that I quickly dismiss. After all, everyone has their good points, even if I'm too much of a snob to appreciate them. I'm not saying that everyone on this site is beneath me; that would just make me sound like a little bitch. There are a fair share of guys that are so good looking that I am completely intimidated by them. I'm sure they're awesome and may even grant me a pity date, but I can't do it. Even on my best hair day, my self esteem is pretty mangled. I have to do my best to preserve what is left of it.

I have come across plenty of average guys in my search for the new Mr. Carrie. This is really all that I'm asking for. I have no desire to marry a doctor or a lawyer. I want a guy who isn't afraid to get dirty, yet who can clean up well enough to take me to the China Buffet for unlimited spring rolls. I don't want a rich guy, because I don't know how to mingle with rich people. And while he needs to be attractive, I don't really go for the buff, chiseled face type. I'm not Cindy Crawford, and I'm okay with that. I have no interest in dating the male equivalent. That being said, there are a few things about these somewhat average guys that grate on my last nerve, and no matter how hard I try, I can't get past them. Here is my list of deal-breakers, which is by no means a complete one, in no particular order:

(1) Your profile picture cannot show you wearing camouflage anything, and you must not be holding anything dead. The only exception is if you're in the military. Then it's kinda hot.

(2) If all of your photos show you in the same outfit, posing in front of random trees or miscellaneous shrubbery, it appears as though you have set up a photo shoot for yourself, and that's creepy. At least change your shirt, and I'll never be the wiser.

(3) If you're in law enforcement, don't post a picture of yourself flashing your badge in your bathroom mirror. Cheeeeesy! And keep your shirt on.

(4) If you email me, and I don't write you back, I'm not interested. That sounds mean, but it happens to me, too, and I don't get offended. This is online dating, not Sunday school. I don't have to stroke your ego because that isn't the name of the game. Don't send me a second email asking me WHY on earth I ignored your email. And don't give me that BS about how you respond to every email that you receive; you are a LIAR.

(5) The site that I use has a feature that allows you to click a button that says "Meet Me" on my profile, which allows you to express your (unsurprising) interest in me without the hassle of sending a message. This button is the equivalent of a Facebook "poke," and it is annoying. Using it tells me that you are lazy and probably incapable of stringing together the few words necessary to write a sentence such as, "Hey, great profile....you are clearly the coolest chick on the planet..." If you use the "Meet Me" button, rest assured that you will never actually meet me in real life.

(6) If I went to high school with you, I will not respond to your email, especially if you clearly do not remember me from school. I have improved with age. You just got weirder.

(7) I have a height requirement. I have not written about it on my profile, because it's not your fault that you are short. I'm only 5'4", so you don't have to be an amazon to catch my eye; however, I just bought two pair of 4" wedges for summer, and I don't want to tower over you in them. I'm sorry. It hurts my feelings that I'm that cruel, too.

(8) If I needed any more proof that this site is full of douchebags, my neighbor just popped up on my matches. I shit you not. If I wanted to date a crazy, insecure basketcase, I wouldn't find him online. I would simply go knock on his door.

Maybe bar hopping would yield better results for me. Can I take Kylie along? That way there are no surprises for the guys who hit on me. I'm very up front about the fact that I have a child, after all. I can let her drink a virgin strawberry daiquiri and allow them to draw their own conclusions.