The Perks of Being Single

"What if I came to the end of my life and realized that I'd spent every day watching for a man who would never come to me? What an unbearable sorrow it would be, to realize I'd never tasted the things I'd eaten, or seen the places I'd been, because I'd thought of nothing but him even while my life was drifting away from me. And yet if I drew my thoughts back from him, what life would I have? I would be like a dancer who had practiced since childhood for a performance she would never give." -Memoirs of a Geisha

My dating life is a big hot mess. It always has been, and I don't really imagine things looking up any time soon.

I have this uncanny ability to pick guys that have deep rooted emotional issues, and my nature is to want to fix them. Dust them off, gloss them over, make them shiny and new, and turn them into my boyfriend. See? Look at how nice I made you. Now, stay with me forever.

Ugh.

Looking back on my relationships over the past few years, I can reflect on how insane I was to hope that any of them would work out. I think that deep down, they were all great guys, and I still love each of them in their own dark little ways. But as far as long term, I just don't see it. I'm sort of comfortable in my own skin right now. I have finally reached that point where I'm settled and content with my existence. Not to say that I'm not open to whatever, but I don't really have the patience or time to let someone come in and shake things up. That may be the wrong way of looking at it, because isn't that what relationships are? You jump in and take on someone else's crazy and make it work for both of you, all the while projecting this image of content and happy and normal. I just don't think I'm ready for that.

It was very important for me, once divorced, to create a life of stability for Kylie. I looked back on my childhood and picked out the things that I did not want for her to deal with as she grew up. I always imagined that it would have been better for her to grow up in a two parent home, even if one of those parents wasn't necessarily Rat Bastard. But my choices over the years haven't been any brighter or sunnier, and I think I managed to do okay on my own. It would have been much worse for both of us to let certain people remain permanently in our lives. I'm really okay being alone.

These days, things are so bizarre in Carrie-land. I have more guy friends than girls, and I'm not really sure what that says about me. I look at most of them, and I just don't see them ever fulfilling that part of me that seems to be absent. Some of my relationships are such a roller coaster of frustration and occasional exuberance that it makes me wonder if they are worth pursuing. But then, I can't imagine my life without them. But I am hesitant to take on anything else. New people come into my life, and it's hard to let them in. I think that I have been burned so often that it's difficult to see the rosy side of anything. I am such a pessimist that I automatically assume that I look for the bad side of everything. In a way, I am oddly grateful for that, because it allows me to see the things that will be a detriment right off the bat. On the downside, it makes me shut myself out from people who may otherwise be good for me.

Maybe I'm just not emotionally mature enough to have a significant other. Parts of me feel like I don't really deserve it, and then other parts think that the guys that I meet don't deserve me. It's a fine line, and I'm having a difficult time following it. I'm somewhat coming to terms with the fact that maybe it isn't in the cards for me. Ironically, when I was younger, I never imagined myself being the girl who had the husband and the 2.5 kids. Maybe I tossed that image out to the universe, and the universe said, "Ok, if that's what you want..." And then that greater power sent me loser after loser to remind me that single-ness was what I had asked for all along.

My focus recently has been on finding my place in the world. Where do I imagine myself living and being appropriately happy? I'm not sure that it's where I am right now. I think of picking up and moving away from everything and beginning anew. I have always had that nomadic mindset that everything around me is fleeting, and I have to leave it before it finds a way to leave me. It's funny because this is the longest that I have been in one place as far as my adult life is concerned. That's mostly because of Kylie and not wanting to uproot her life because of my restlessness. But what else is out there? I feel like I need to go and find it, whatever it is. I am tired of waiting for "it" to find me.

Someone hand me a dart.