Feelin' Good...

"...then I got my hair did. I felt like a million bucks, but then it rained. Can't catch a break, but I'm gonna be okay...Feel good. I wanna feel good. Watch me shake it off, shake it off...today's a better day." --Che'nelle, "Feel Good"


I can't listen to the song mentioned above without smiling. I had the music video from youtube on my blog a couple of weeks ago. I really hate putting videos on here because they sometimes take a long time to load, and I find them annoying. But I simply can't resist that song. It plays on our CD at work, and even if I am in a positively craptastic mood, the line above always makes me smile.

Munchkin started second grade last week. This is the first year that I didn't cry on her first day. I think that shows incredible progress on my part. Plus, she's at the age where a sobbing mommy is simply not kosher. Instead, we sat in my car at the bus stop and blasted Justin Bieber at top volume. I felt like the coolest mom ever. I'm not sure how I feel about her teacher yet. I realize that at some point, teachers will no longer send home intricate details about what is going on in the classroom, but I expected that somewhere along the lines of middle school. I didn't think that there was that much difference between first grade and second grade. My kid is still losing her teeth for crying out loud; is it so bad that I want to know what she is learning at school? By the time she has gotten home at 6 o'clock, she can't remember what she had for lunch. Oh, and the bus was 15 minutes early this morning. We are the first stop, so it goes without saying that I was irked to realize that it had come and gone by the time we went out to watch for it. The poor principal is the one who had to hear me vent about it when I dropped Kylie off in the car rider line. This is the same man who comforted me on her first day of kindergarten as I wiped snot on my now-ex's sleeve. Can he never catch me on a good day? I don't want to turn into that mom. You know, the crazy one.

I also made a big change for myself. I marched into the salon last week and demanded that I become a brunette/redhead. I have been blonde for as many years as I can remember. When my stylist pulled out a color swatch and matched it to my natural color, I couldn't believe it was really that dark! I'm still a little surprised every time I look in the mirror. My own assistant didn't recognize me when I came to work over the weekend. It's amazing how a hair color can completely change the way you feel. The red makes me feel dangerous, vixen-ish. I think there's a little bit of bad girl in there somewhere, and I'm going to find her. Or not. I'm content with people just thinking that I'm bad.

Loooooooooser....(the Story of Rat Bastard)

A week ago today, I took Rat Bastard to court, and I won. However, I still feel like a loser. I put off this entire court battle because I knew that he was going to make my life hell after we went. And he is.

Rat Bastard is such a loser, in more ways than one.

When I was twenty years old, I moved by myself to (what seemed to me) the big city. I was going through that crisis that many of us are familiar with. I was fresh out of a relationship that had been tumultuous at best, and I was ready for a new lease on life. A new apartment, a new college, a new outlook. Apparently, my new mission in life was to find the biggest ass-wipe on the planet and to make him mine. Needless to say, I was successful.

There were warning signs that I chose not to see. The ex-wife, the two kids that lived in another state, the fact that he lived with his parents. Yeah, my mom raised me to be smarter than that, but I was in a state of rebellion. Being the good girl was not working for me, and I just needed something to latch on to. Looking back, I wish that I could do everything differently. It's a given that I wouldn't trade Kylie for the world; that being said, I can't help but kick myself for going in with my blinders on. I was not the girl who should have made so many bad decisions.

Fast forward nine years. For the past couple of years, Rat Bastard could barely make time to see Kylie. He was too busy knocking up his (at the time) boss to pay attention to the child he already had. And when they both got fired because of their fornication, he suddenly couldn't support Kylie at all, not that he had been much of an active participant in that. To say the least, it's been really hard. I'm not one to play the "woe is me...I'm a single mom" card. I get so tired of hearing that from people, and I get it. But I'm also not the type to think that the world owes me something because I chose to procreate with the wrong douchebag.

Here's where it gets messy.

That court thing? He's gotta pay me a shitload of cash every month. Oh yeah, that sounds great and everything, if I ever see a dime of it. Given his track record, it's not a guarantee. He tends to not keep a job for more than five or six months, and then he manages to get himself fired for one reason or another. He moves a lot. There is absolutely nothing stable about him. It's stressful.

Suddenly, since my court "victory," Rat Bastard wants nothing to do with Kylie. He doesn't want to talk to her (not that he could really talk to her any less than usual), and he is blowing her off. He was supposed to pick her up last night, but he never came. He wouldn't answer his phone when I called, and he ignored the voicemails that Kylie and I each left him. Kylie starts school on Wednesday, and summer camp ended last week. I was left scrambling to find someone to take Kylie today so that I could go to work. My neighbor was completely gung-ho about helping me out. She told me that whenever I needed her, she was there. As soon as she found out that I was going to be getting child support from the Bastard, she was all over letting me pay her to watch Kylie. I called her tonight to see if she could keep Kylie tomorrow. Her response was, "I'll let you know."

Hmmmm....this is not a great situation. My parents are suddenly bending over backwards to have Kylie tomorrow. They live an hour away. I feel like such an inconvenience. I'm so mad at myself, and I can't really pinpoint the reason why. I guess for any number of things. For choosing the wrong person, for staying as long as I did, for not being able to protect my child from her asshole father. I'm angry for not having options, and I'm pissed that I didn't move closer to my family a couple of months ago when I had the chance. I'm irritated that I waited as long as I did to take RB to court, and I'm equally irritated that I did it all since I knew that he was going to pull the rug out from beneath me. Not that he hasn't been a ticking time bomb all this time.

I'm angry because I did it all wrong, and I don't know how to fix it. And between you and me, for whatever reason, I'm scared. It sucks.

Blink

"Feels like I'm wasting my time, hanging on the same old line. There's nothing left for me to find. All the more I want, all the more I need. All the while you want something more." -Train

I had a dream last night that I was expecting twins. This may sound completely random, but it wasn't the fact that I was having double the fun that I remember. What sticks out is that I was so unbelievably happy. I woke up, and I was immediately sad that it had just been a dream. Not that I'm pining to have multiple babies, but because that feeling is so elusive.

I have been really lonely lately. I can't really determine why or when this occurred. I have always been the type to keep to myself for the most part. I've just been too shy to be a social butterfly. Even when I was little, I had a couple of close friends instead of a large circle. I'm not good at forming new relationships. In some ways, I'm too trusting, and in other ways I don't trust anything. I went out with a guy recently who, upon hearing me proclaim that about myself, stated that I couldn't have it both ways. But he was wrong. I have walked out of every romantic relationship that I have ever been in feeling as though I clearly had blinders on. I see things, major things, that I allowed myself to overlook. It scares me at how easily I can trust someone, and it is making me more untrusting of everyone. Nice trait, huh?

Right now, I wake up everyday feeling like I'm waiting for something. I'm not sure of what it is, but it's there. Not necessarily twins, mind you, but maybe something that they might represent. In a blink, my 20s have come and (almost) gone. I look around, and in many ways, this is not where I expected to be at all. I'm sure that's what everyone says, but it still leaves me a little bewildered. I'm missing something, and nothing, and everything all at once. It's exasperating.

I'm kinda rambling, but I'm still trying to make sense of the mush that has my mind has become. Bear with me...

My Juggling Act

I have unconsciously been avoiding my blog. I have been somewhat lost in my own head, a dark and murky place as we all know. Every time I click on my own blog, I feel a little guilty for abandoning it. Lately, I can barely organize my thoughts in my mind, much less in writing.

I knew that this summer was going to be a little nutty for me. Kylie is going to summer camp at the Y, which has thrown me into a tizzy of disorganization. Suddenly, I am trying to handle her crazy schedule of swimming, field trips, and going to the splash pad at the park. Each day requires it's own equipment, and there is nothing worse than sending your child to camp for swim day without a bathing suit. (Epic mommy fail!) I consider it a good day if I manage to make her brush her teeth AND her hair in any given morning.

Everyday, my to-do list for work and home is way longer than I can manage. It's back-to-school season, which equals insanity for those of us in the retail world. Today is my first day off in over a week. I am pooped. I went running this morning, which is the first time I have gone since my scary guy experience. Last month, I committed to 21 days of pilates, which has been amazing. I can tell a huge difference in the way I look and feel. But running is my thing, and I have missed it. Of course, my insane schedule and the blazing North Carolina summer heat have also been contributing factors in my lack of fresh air.

Furthermore, I am in desperate need of a vacation. Both of my parents are on vacation in Michigan, which is my favorite place on earth. I am so incredibly jealous. There is nothing I would rather be doing right now that sitting at my grandma's kitchen table. I used to go every summer when I was a kid, but then adulthood threw a wrench in that. Because of my profession, vacation in the summer is pretty much out, and it's virtually impossible to yank Kylie out of school for a week so we can go away. How do other parents do it? Then there is the question of driving (16+ hours in a car with a 7 year old) versus flying (holy crap...$400+ per plane ticket). I have to figure it out, though. I really miss my family.

I have also made the decision to go back to school this fall. I have wanted to do this for years, but I always made excuses to avoid it. I have pretty much spent the past few years in an absolutely overwhelmed state. I could not fathom throwing any more fuel on the fire. However, one of my girlfriends reminded me last month that every semester that I put it off would be that much longer before I had a degree. So here I go, another act in my three-ring circus. It's pretty nerve wracking.

Last but not least, I am taking Rat Bastard to court in a little over a week. I'm pretty nervous, but I'm excited at the same time. For the past three years, I have been solely responsible for supporting our child. He has continued to surprise me with his ability to be a crappy parent in his lack of both attention and financial assistance to our daughter. Going to court is scary. The only other time I have been is when I got divorced. That was weird in itself because RB and I sat next to each other and joked around the entire time. Somehow, I feel like this will be a slightly different situation.

This was seriously a blog of complete randomness. Maybe I can get past this writer's block I have seemed to have for the past month or so.