Now I Know My ABC's

This afternoon, I met Chuck in a parking lot at a new shopping center that is halfway between our houses so that I could get Kylie. She spent Memorial Day with him instead of going to the YMCA as originally planned. He tried to bribe her with the idea of spending the day in the pool at his apartment. Is it wrong that I was secretly thrilled that it rained, therefore ruining his little "I'm the cooler parent" plan?

I pulled into the parking lot before he did, and I was ecstatic to find an ABC store directly in front of my parking space. The "open" sign was lit up just like Christmas morning. I called Chuck to find out how close he was, and when he said that he was still a few minutes away, I told him that I was going to make a mad dash for some vodka.

Five minutes later, I walked out with a brown paper bag in my hand and a smile on my face, knowing that I was sure to win Mom-of-the-Year under these circumstances. Chuck and Kylie were waiting beside my car, and Chuck was laughing. He told me that after pulling in, he told Kylie that I had gone into the ABC store, but that I would be out in a second. Kylie said, "Oh, mommy has taken me in there before." (For the record, NO I haven't!) Chuck responded with, "Really? She has?" (I can only imagine the thoughts that were running through his head.)

"Yup," Kylie told him. "She bought me markers there."

(Markers are my favorite!)

Adulthood at Its Finest

I have lived in the same townhouse for almost three years. Because of the way our parking lot is laid out, I have the ability to somewhat parallel park in front of my apartment. This isn't an actual parking space, but both of the neighbors on either side of me do the same thing, and it has never really posed a problem.

This morning, however, I woke up to find a note tucked under the windshield wiper of my car. It was typed and printed from someone's computer. How sneaky! It read:



Apparently, I have pissed someone off with my lack of conformity when it comes to parking between the actual lines. I would probably understand this if I were actually parking in front of someone else's house. I would hate to block anyone's view of the house across the street, you know. So I thought about it all day, and I decided that there was no way in hell that I was going to let someone intimidate me out of my prime parking spot. If my landlord had an issue with it, he would have addressed it personally. Anyone else with an opinion can just go to hell. I considered staying up all night in case they decided to come back to leave me another note. I envisioned myself jumping out of the bushes and throwing an egg at them or something. My maturity amazes me. After much careful consideration, I decided to tuck a note of my own under my windshield wiper. It read:



Dear God, I have gotten to the point where I am leaving myself notes on my own car. I have taken insanity to an entirely different level. And I'm not ruling out the egg idea, in case anyone wants to join me.

P.S. The new boy is still freakin' amazing. It's been a week...a new record, I believe.

Round Two

I decided to give the online dating thing another try. I had received several emails from some really nice guys on there the first time. I just happened to pick the wrong guy on that go 'round.

This past Saturday, I had a date with a guy named Sean. We had spent a lot of time talking on the phone. We met for dinner at a super nice restaurant that he picked out. I was really nervous on the way there, but we clicked instantly. After dinner, we went to an outdoor shopping center nearby and found a wine bar. We each nursed a glass of wine for a couple of hours and talked. He told me that during dinner, I had stabbed his foot with the spiked heel of my sandal for the first five or ten minutes after we sat down. Ooops. So much for being really cool during dinner. The night flew by; I couldn't wait for our next date.

Today was date number two, and it was my turn to plan it. I wanted to do something different than a standard movie, because how can you get to know someone while you're sitting in the dark? I decided to take him to the Discovery Place, which is a hands-on science museum in downtown Charlotte. I figured we could have lunch somewhere new afterward.

He picked me up at my apartment and we headed for downtown. And we had a blast. We wandered around the featured exhibit, which was all about them, the germs and organisms that live all over our bodies. Isn't that great for a second date? We looked at the mouth display and learned all about the nasty germs that reside inside of it. He said to me, "I'm never kissing you again." Together, we looked at fungus under a microscope. When I looked at him and said, "I love when I get a good fungus," he didn't run away. Instead, he laughed.

We watched a 3D movie about dinosaurs. Most of the fun was wearing the cool 3D glasses. (I'm going to be shot for posting this picture.) We were the only people there without children. The thing that blew my mind was the parents who brought their 2 or 3 year old children in to see this film. It wasn't exactly for small children. A few minutes in, giant dinosaurs were storming across the screen, and one of the kids tearfully whispered to his mom, "Can we get out of here?!" In another scene, a cute baby dinosaur hatched from its egg and is promptly gobbled up by a bigger, scarier dinosaur. As soon as the big, scary dinosaur's jaws snapped shut, we heard a scream from one of the kids in the audience. This made me giggle. I realize that this makes me sound like a horrible person; I am fully aware.

Next, we watched the IMAX movie, "Under the Sea" in the giant dome-shaped theater. He had his arm around me the entire time. During one scene, cuttlefish were doing their mating dance, and Doris Day's song, "Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps" was playing in the background. One at a time, the males would try to make a move on the female, and she would reject them over and over again.

"So if you really love me
Say yes, but if you don't dear, confess
And please don't tell me
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps."

Watching the cuttlefish getting it on was too much for me. I just lost it. I started laughing and couldn't stop. There was a group of high school kids on the other side of the theater who were also giggling. I should have gone and sat next to them, because clearly our maturity levels were equivalent. But none of this seemed to phase Sean.

We got lost trying to find our way out of the museum. We almost got hit by a bus because we were crossing the street against the light. Then we got lost in the parking deck. My God, I'm going out with the male version of myself. We never stopped talking, and we laughed at ourselves and at each other. It was so much fun.

And just in case you were wondering, when he said he was never kissing me again because of my germs, he lied.

All's Well that Ends Badly

Another one bites the dust. Pardon me for not being surprised. I've had eyebrow waxes that have lasted longer than most of my relationships. There ARE two sides to every story, but unfortunately you will only be hearing mine. Just so you know...I am biased.

To be fair, I'm not going to trash the guy on my blog. There really isn't anything horrible to say. He was/is a good guy overall. One of my worst faults is assuming that there must be something horribly wrong with any guy who shows an interest in me past our first or second date. I get to the point where I start looking for things that can grate on my nerves. Seek and you shall find. I won't name them here, but I found them. I could tell he was probably finding my ticks irritating as well. I picked up on a tone early last week, and my defenses went up. None of this is really the main reason we broke it off. The main reason is much more childish than anyone could fathom.

I got dumped because I didn't like his dog.

Really.

In a random moment of insanity, I agreed to dogsit his pooch for a few days while he went out of town for work. I had visions of Kylie frolicking outside with his dog. She hasn't had a dog to play with since Sebastian, so I thought this could only go well.

Wrong.

What I did not anticipate was that this mutt was storing enough piss to christen my entire apartment while I was asleep. Mr. Wonderful's take on this was that it was no big deal since it was a small dog. That didn't make me any less irritated. I spent my entire morning off scrubbing pee out of my carpet. The last straw for me was when I took him out for a walk, and then the little effer came right back in, went upstairs and lifted his leg on my closet door. Mr. Wonderful's reaction? Suck it up; you committed to this. I'm sure he thinks I was being incredibly overdramatic, but I knew I couldn't tolerate the dog. Long story short, I ended up driving the dog back to his apartment. I don't know who he got to dogsit on short notice (which I felt really bad about), but in all honesty I simply don't care.

The kicker of the situation is that he felt it necessary to call me a few minutes after I left his place to "reiterate" the fact that we were through. This was coming from the guy who, the day before, had sent me a text message stating that he wasn't going anywhere until I wanted him to. Hmmm...I guess he's a liar just like the rest of them. Is it any wonder that I hate dating? Yesterday, he sent me an extensive email that explained in detail why he thinks I suck as a human being. Join the club, buddy. I forwarded it to my friends. They enjoy "Carrie Sucks" stories as much as I do.

I feel bad about this whole thing. I really do. I'm sad that I hurt his feelings. I tried to apologize, but he didn't want to hear it. Not that I can really blame him. But...it was going to end anyway. After all, anyone who really likes me must have something seriously wrong with him.

For Kylie

"The secret to survival is in seeing the world through the eyes and heart of a child. To treasure life, and most of all to love simply, unconditionally, and without abandon. To love without demanding or expecting anything in return."



Dear Kylie,

It is our 7th Mother's Day. I can't really remember my life without you.

Mother's Day is supposed to be about celebrating moms and everything we do for our kids. But what about everything our kids do for us? It goes without saying that I feel like the lucky one for having been blessed with you as my daughter.

You have taught me that the little things matter. Things like smelling the flowers in the park, using my manners, not saying the "bad" words that I'm kind of prone to.

I have learned that sometimes the best way to forget about a bad day is to spend the evening with a coloring book and crayons. (Or markers, as long as they are washable.)

Having you in my life lets me be a kid again. I had forgotten how much I love school field trips. Thanks for letting me tag along and pretend to be a cool mom. I'm glad your classmates like me; I was really worried that they wouldn't. I love having a refrigerator covered with your artwork. I have tucked post-it notes from you beside the speedometer in my car so that I can see them when I am on my way to work. They remind me that no matter how craptastic my day is, you will be waiting for me when I get home.

The highlight of my day is, at night, asking you what the best part of yours was, and your usual answer is, "Seeing you, Mommy." Hearing that from you never gets old. You are, by far, the highlight of mine, too.

You have shown me that it's important to laugh at myself. You do these funny impressions of me without trying to be funny. You tell me things that no one else will point out to me. If you don't like what I'm wearing, or if my hair looks terrible, or if I have bad breath, you feel that it is your duty to tell me. I appreciate the honesty (sometimes).

I love when people call you my mini-me. I picked out the photo of you above because you look so joyful and beautiful and radiant. Although the picture is a few years old, it is one of my favorites. These days, you look different in many ways, and you hate it when I take your picture, but I still sneak them when you least expect it. Sometimes I have to take a step back and actually see you. You are growing up so fast. I have this desperate need to capture every moment with you and store it away somewhere safe. I worry incessantly that you will someday grow up and leave me, and I want to remember everything.

There have been times in the past seven years that I felt like I was doing everything wrong. I worried that I was the poster child of bad parenting. I stressed about having time to be your mom the way I wanted to be. There were never enough hours in the day for everything I wanted to tell you and show you. Being a mom has taught me that it is necessary to let some things go.

Thank you for letting me love you, and thank you for going on this journey through life with me. I can't imagine having as much fun with anyone else.

The Republican Response

No, this has nothing to do with politics. I did something that will probably surprise all of you. I actually surprised myself with this. After I posted my blog last night, Rick ("Plenty of Fish" Rick) asked if I would let him write a response to it. I was a little bit nervous about what he might write. Did he secretly think I am a crazed lunatic, and this was going to be his way of letting me down? Or was he going to admit that he is an polygamist axe murderer who is set on making me his next victim? In less than thirty minutes, he had composed and emailed the following to me. And, as promised, I posted it, completely unedited and unfiltered. Here it is:


This is my response to Carrie’s post. I told Carrie if she blogged about me I wanted to respond. Like after the President’s address. And like the party’s response, I want to clarify a few points:

First off, lest I be asked to turn in my man card, my FAVORITE movie is Fight Club. Yes, violent, disturbing Fight Club. I would have preferred she mentioned a movie like ‘Eternal Sunshine’, which she got MAJOR points for liking. But, yes, I do love Hope Floats. I’m secure enough in my manhood to admit it.

‘Called’ her ‘every day since’ is a bit of an understatement. We talk about 20 times a day, from first thing in the am til we are both nodding off. That’s not including constant texting. And like a couple of giddy teenagers, it’s not enough. We want more. Maybe I shouldn’t speak for her. Carrie? I want more.

I DO think she is the best thing since peanut butter and to be clear I LOVE peanut butter. But she mentioned UPS guys and her ex; and although we joke about that; it’s not the focus of our conversations. We have a million things in common. Those are two insignificant ones in my book.

So here we are in this really weird place – we have spent a grand total of one hour together, and yet have this unbelievable connection. We feel like we have known each other a long time, in reality it’s like a week and a half.

I don’t know what the future holds. We will spend some more time together in the next few days; that will tell us more I’m sure. All I do know is I am crazy about this girl. And she deserves to be happy, and have someone there for her. And maybe, just maybe, I am the man for the job. Is it possible? I’m an optimist so you don’t want to know what I think.


For the first time in my life, I am speechless. In a good way.

The Best Thing

I met someone.

Yeah, I'm having a hard time believing it myself.

I was on Plenty of Fish for approximately one day and seven hours before he emailed me.

After we had emailed one another a few times, I manned up and sent him a link to my blog. I figured it was only fair to warn him of the craziness that is my life. I honestly didn't think I would ever hear from him again. Yet, surprisingly, he still agreed to meet me at Starbucks. And he has called me everyday since. He is that amazing.

Things we have in common include (but are not limited to): the movie Hope Floats, slight road rage, and an immense dislike for all things related to UPS and my ex-husband. He thinks I'm the best thing since peanut butter. I don't think that I have ever hit it off with anyone like this before.

I'm not saying anything else about him (yet); I don't want to jinx it. Even though he said I can't possibly jinx it, we all know my history with relationships. I think this one might be a keeper.

For the record, I'm out of the funk. It feels fantastic.