Hello...Are You Out There?

From "He's Just Not That Into You:"
'Who invented this caller i.d. thing anyway? Who does that help? If a guy doesn't call me, I reserve the right to call him at fifteen minute intervals until he picks up..."


Dear Eric B:

We had a fantastic date last Sunday. Right? Well, I thought so anyway. Even though it was weird that we kind of picked each other up in a salon, which people that I have talked to think is strange until I assure them that you are not gay. Are you? Because now I'm wondering. After all, I have not heard from you in three days. It's just a little strange, because the two days before that, you called and you texted me a few times. And you were adamant about us going out again blah, blah, blah. Did you get hit by a bus? Ouch.

Please be assured, I'm not really upset or anything. Just a little confused. I'm not the kind of girl who is going to call you and text you incessantly to find out why you don't want to talk to me. Trust me, I have already deleted your phone number from my cell to ensure that there are no drunken calls or texts later on. It is my weekend off, after all. A girl tends to do things like that when she is home alone and bored and (a little) lonely.

Just so you know, I looked you up on Facebook, and then I emailed my mom and told her to look you up on Facebook, too. And she did, because my mom is pretty cool like that. Then she e-mailed me and told me that you were very good looking, in an axe-murderer sort of way. I'll admit, I was a little offended at first. But then you didn't call me back, so now I agree with her. I'll bet there are bodies in the trunk of your car. Oh wait, you don't have a car. That would have been a complication. My last boyfriend didn't have a car either. It was a total pain in the ass.

Then there is your last name, which I will not list here. Not that I will judge someone by their last name or anything. But when I was telling the girls at work yesterday that you were clearly abducted by aliens mid-week, your last name came up in conversation. And Amber proceeded to pair up my first name with your last name, and then she laughed hysterically. That's a deal breaker. I'm sorry. I'm shallow like that. She said your last name sounded very hillbilly-ish. I agree with her. I already spent the last four years with the last name "Springer," and dealing with the Jerry-jokes has been exhausting. I just can't go there again.

I'll admit, our date was the most spontaneous thing that I have ever done. I had a lot of fun, and at least I know I am not so hideous that I can't get a date. Because I've been starting to wonder. So I'm over it.

The end.

The Toothfairy Gets a Haircut

So this Father's Day was the most hilarious ever, not because of anything that happened with my Dad, but because of everything that happened after Dad went home.

I decided that I had clearly been beaten with the ugly stick pretty damn hard, so I talked Kylie into going to the mall and sitting in MasterCuts with me while the miracle worker there made me beautiful (and for the record, she DID make me beautiful!). While I had my hair foiled, colored, and highlighted (it was quite a process), I talked to Kylie while she did search-a-word puzzles. She is days away from losing her second tooth, so I asked her if she was excited about the Tooth Fairy bringing her money when her tooth came out. Here is how she responded:

Kylie: Well, Mommy. Since this is my second tooth, I don't want the Tooth Fairy to bring me money. I just want her to bring me a prize.

Me: Really? That's a great idea! What kind of prize would you like? I can pass on requests, you know.

Kylie: I was thinking that she should bring me something to trim my toe hair.

I shit you not. I could hear the stylist snickering as she worked her magic. For the record, I do not trim my toe hair, nor do I own such things that might make something like this even remotely possible. Clearly, this is something that she has learned from her father.

Then the day got even better. Chuck picked Kylie up about halfway through my makeover. And when I was finished, I spent the rest of my evening on a "date" with the guy who was getting his hair cut in the chair next to me. Again, I shit you not. I'm still a little in shock about it myself.

I was checking him out while my stylist was blow drying my hair, and while I thought I was being really smooth about it, it must have been pretty obvious. I am always so nervous about talking to guys that I meet, but when his stylist finished cutting his hair, I told him that it looked great. We were paying at the front counter at the same time, and he struck up a conversation with me after we walked out of the salon.

We spent the next five hours having coffee at Starbucks (he ordered a drink that was 1000 times more complicated than mine, which was quite a turn-on), having a drink at the bar in a restaurant in the mall, and watching the new X-Men Wolverine movie. And we already planned a second date. I can't believe my luck.

Don't worry, mom...I came home alone.

Now Hiring

I am currently looking for a part-time keyholder. The keyholder position is always tricky. It's perfect for someone who is ready for the next level beyond being a sales associate but without the experience required to be my Assistant (a job undertaken only by a brave few). At this point, I am a little desperate. With the job market in the tanker, I expected this to be a fairly easy position to fill. It's an entry level management position, flexible hours, decent salary, and (above all else) the ability to work with ME! What more could anyone ask for in a job?

I posted an ad on Craigslist, which I have found to be the quickest way to find candidates for positions such as this. My ad was very specific in what I was looking for. I explained the position, and I stated the qualifications. For example, some management experience is required. I mentioned the flexible hours and the employee discount. I did not specifically say anything about my awesomeness, as I think that it simply oozed from the ad to begin with.

Then I listed my demands. Here is where I separate the chaff from the wheat. I determine someone's ability to follow directions based on the response that I get to these requests.

First of all, I require a cover letter. I decide if I am going to open a resume based on what is written here. It does not have to be long; I prefer short and sweet. However, it must contain complete sentences. Multiple sentences. A cover letter consisiting merely of, "I want $9.00 an hour" is not a cover letter.

This leads me to my next demand. I want to know salary requirements. I want to know what someone thinks he/she is worth. I know what the position pays. I want to know if the person applying knows enough about the position to give me a salary within the guidelines. This tells me how familiar a person is with the actual positon. If someone asks for minimum wage, this person has clearly never held a true managment positon before. It is also a bad idea to ask for a salary that is higher than what I am currently earning, as it will not happen in a million years.

I also specifically stated that there should be no phone calls to the store regarding this open position. This is not because I have anything to hide; it is simply because I do not have time in my busy day to field phone calls from 300 potential applicants who want to know if I have filled the position yet. To that girl who called the store yesterday (right in the middle of my big corporate visit with the VP of my region, no less) and asked if I had received her resume, I deleted your email from my inbox the second I got home. I am sure you have great experience; however, your inability to follow specific (simple) directions will only grate on my nerves. My general rule about phone inquiries is that I simply do not answer them. Any person who calls the store and asks if I am hiring is told "no" before the words are completely out of his/her mouth. I consider that lazy, and I don't have time for lazy. Lazy people do not enjoy working for me, and this is one simple way to weed them out.

My last requirement is an easy one. Do not submit resumes to me in a .docx format. I have a Mac, people. I have installed basic (ahem, free) word processing software, none of which has anything to do with complicated Microsoft anything. I can open the basics, but .docx is beyond me. Even though I specifically stated this in my Craigslist posting, I have still received some resumes in this format. Deleted, deleted, deleted.

This hiring thing is harder than I expected. 70% of the responses that I received have been a total waste of my time, and that's before I even read the actual resume.

Would it be possible to simply clone myself in order to fill this position? I am already in love with myself, and I think I would be a perfect addition to my management team.

Weekend Road Trip!

A road trip with me is never dull. A road trip with me when I am the only person in the car is equally exciting. I find myself to be very entertaining.

This weekend, I loaded up a duffel bag and the GPS into the Focus and set out for my weekend away at Myrtle Beach. I could not get out of work fast enough on Saturday. It was due to be a 3.5 to 4 hour drive, and I had downloaded lots of new Pink music to rock to on the way. This road trip has the potential to be an 8 hour drive. I am worse than your average first grader in the car. Every 30 minutes, I have to pee, or I want a soda, or I'm craving red licorice. When I was little, my family would drive to Michigan from North Carolina, and we only made pit stops to get gas or grab coffee. My mom was a road warrior. This is my way of rebelling.

Here is how my drive to the beach went:

(2:10 pm) I rushed out of the store after promising Amber that I would follow whatever directions the GPS voice (Daniel) gave me. After all, I got lost on my way home from work on Friday night. The GPS predicted that I should arrive at the resort at 5:28 pm.

(2:30 pm) I stopped for gas in a little town off the interstate. At the pump next to me were two guys in a sketchy minivan with a chihuaha in the front seat. As they were pulling away, the passenger yells to me from the window, "Hey girl! You got a man?" I haven't been hit on in such a romantic way in a very long time, and I was therefore temporarily rendered speechless. Then I replied "yes" and waved as they drove away with the chihuaha. I was wearing a pretty slutty booby dress. However, I would have been willing to take the chihuaha to the beach with me.

(2:37 pm) I drove across the street to Wendy's to grab lunch for the road. The drive thru line was outrageous, so I ran inside. Crap...they no longer sell fish sandwiches. I drove to the Subway in the same parking lot and ordered a sub. I managed to eat the entire thing in the car without getting Southwest sauce on the boob dress (or my boobs). Major accomplishment. But my Mello Yellow was super flat. Ew. The GPS stated that my new expected arrival time was 5:51 pm.

(4:11 pm) I spent 15 minutes without a cell phone signal as I crossed the South Carolina state line. How do people live in towns without cell phone service?!

(4:20 pm) As I sat in road construction for ten minutes, I passed a big truck full of palm trees. That had to be the coolest damn thing I ever saw. One of my friends later told me that I clearly don't get out much. We don't have palm trees where I live, dammit!

(4:35-4:44 pm) I stopped at McDonald's to pee and get an ice cream cone. I turned the wrong way out of the parking lot and spent the next ten minutes trying to figure out where in the hell I was. By the time I sorted it all out, my new ETA was 6:15 pm.

(5:15 pm) By then, my back was hurting and I had a wedgie. But I was only an hour away, and I swear I could already smell the saltwater.

(5:37 pm) I found out that the beach is in Horry County. For some reason, I thought that this was freakin' hilarious.

(6:15 pm) I arrived! I don't think grownups are supposed to squeal like that when they see the ocean. Thank God I was still in my car, so no one heard me.

The beach rocked, and the drive home was strangely uneventful. And it took much less time. It's amazing how quickly you can get somewhere when you listen to the GPS.

I need to get away more often.